An open letter of complaint to Swizzels-Matlow

Dear Messers Swizzel and Matlow

I have just opened one of your Swizzels-Matlow Double Lollies Dip. I was quite enjoying a bit of retro sweet goodness when I happened upon across a sugar encrusted long brunette hair, not the sort of thing you expect to find in an item of confection.
I am positive that this object was already in the packet before opening for two reasons, firstly I caught it on the lolly after several dips. It was evenly covered in sherbet, not what I would expect if it had just dropped in. Secondly, and more importantly, the last time I had a hair that long to drop in my food was in about 1992, things have been a little thin and cut short up there since then.
Being a man of a certain age blessed with a sweet tooth I am quite a fan of your sweet products but I feel a little disappointed on this occasion to find that the quality doesn’t live up to the qualityI expect from Swizzels-Matlow.
I have place the aforementioned item in a plastic bag and am storing it just incase you require any evidence of my claim. I trust that you will consider my complaint carefully and find a way to restore my faith in the quality of products and cleanliness of your production line that might, say, involve a large box of sweets or a voucher of a reasonable value.
Feel free to contact me at the details listed above if you require any further details of this awful incident.

Yours
Simon (40)

 

 

*UPDATE*

‘Lost in the post’ isn’t a phrase that you hear that often but it seems that my delightfully crafted message that was submitted through the Swizzels Matlow website went missing. I subsequently emailed my linguistic gift to them and got the following reply almost immediately.

My beautifully crafted complaint seemed to have been lost on them but I will be sending them the offending item in their SAE for examination. I trust that they will do a full DNA test on the hair but will have to excuse the sticky lolly enclosed.

I will await their results with baited breath, toothpaste and floss.

—–

Dear Simon

Thank you for your e-mail received today.  We are very sorry that you have had cause for complaint about the Double Dip you purchased recently.

Unfortunately we are not in receipt of your original e-mail, however, in order to progress this matter as soon as possible, could you please forward your full mailing address so that we can send you  a Freepost envelope for return of the product for a thorough investigation.

Please be advised that on completion of these investigations we will respond to  you in writing.

We look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours sincerely

SWIZZELS MATLOW LIMITED